So much fuckwittery, so little time. I took a fair amount of time out over the last year – to do some real writing, among other things – and came back to so much bookmarked insanity that a great cry went up to the heavens “Oh god, where do I start, for fuck’s sake?”
And lo, my prayer was answered. Amidst the plethora of more-or-less dangerous (but always brain-numbingly stupid) quackery touted on Twitter, I found and retweeted this:
— Organic Whole Foods (@OrganicLiveFood) 2 mars 2013
To which I added the following comment:
I was going to let it go at that; if I blogged at length about every loony website I see, I’d never have time to eat, sleep or drink and most of this crap makes me yearn for a very stiff drink indeed. Plus they don’t deserve the publicity, however minor. This one turned out to be different. I got a calm, measured, detailed response:
@anarchic_teapot Listen British limey cunt ass wipe, ur country fucked so many countries for 200 yrs now u fagot breath talk outa ur asshole
— Tom and Cindy (@TomCindyShow) 3 mars 2013
Yes, it was triggered by my first tweet. This was not immediately obvious, but fortunately Twitter lets you look up the history of an exchange. That delightful explosion of cerebral diarrhea continued for some time, to the extent that I wondered – in between laughing helplessly at the sheer delusional inanity of it all – whether this brain-dead blustering wasn’t to divert my attention from something nastier. Nastier, that is, than the fact that the tweets seemed to contain a lot of repressed sexual fantasy and the image it all inevitably conjured up was of a plump, ageing redneck in a grubby semmit furiously tugging on Tommy while wriggling ecstatically on the organic parsnip firmly lodged in his anus as he types on his battered keyboard the words that keep Tommy turgid.
The mind bleach is over there. Yes, I know we’re low, I’ll send out for more tomorrow.
So, to the repository of fuckwittery in question: Seattle Organic Restaurants. At first eyeballing it looks halfway sensible, although I’m prepared to bet the perfectly formed and magnificently coloured foodstuffs in the photo under ‘Healthy Food‘ are about as organic as a lump of quartz. Ah, our first solid sign of woofulness: “The subtle energy of your food becomes your mind”. Are we talking subtle calories or subtle flatulence? Anyway, we have raw vegans on our hands here, so there’ll be a lot of sanctimonious and inaccurate bollocks about the importance of detoxing through drinking raw vegetable juice and rants about all the alleged poisons in meat. There are good reasons for becoming a vegetarian or a vegan: those are not among them.
Further investigation will reveal the text to be badly written (it reads like Engrish in many places), full of “wisdom” seemingly cribbed from elsewhere and lots of SHOUTY CAPS. It’s interesting to note that the quackery is partly hidden. There seem at first sight to be no links to it from the front page; it’s all jolly stuff about organic veggies and herbs. Closer inspection, however, reveals some of the WTF lurking therein. In fact, the whole thing is crammed full of well-rotted bovine excreta, partially redigested by the scatophage that cobbled the site together, then used as a construction material. Like a baby scarab, the whole boilings is born out of pure shite. There is so much mind-boggling out-to-lunchism that I’m going to have to skim through it. Pass the HazMat suit please, dear.
Right. Let’s have a shufti at what lies behind those menus, shall we? Ah, this is going to be messy. Everything is interlinked to everything else. It will be difficult to take things in order, because there doesn’t seem to be any order. Doubtless the idea is to draw the unsuspecting mark in by one thing and, by dint of providing myriad links purporting to provide further info, inextricably draw him deeper into the trap until he buys something out of sheer confusion.
Under ‘Topics‘ we find ‘Superfoods‘, a concept rooted in pure diet quackery, and we note as we pass the ominous mention of ‘pH Balance‘, oft used in connection with cancer quackery, of which more anon.
There’s an ‘Obesity‘ section, which seems at first to be not too bad (I am typing though a screening haze of alcohol, a necessary armour against the soul-destroying stupidity of sites like this), apart from the very important failure to advise people contemplating a diet to consult a doctor and/or dietician beforehand, and the fact that it’s all so bloody vague that your average airhead can read into it exactly what he or she wants. Then you start clicking on the links – the whole site is stuffed full of incestuous cross-references to other pages - and come across gems like:
The calories from high fructose corn syrup consumed in most of processed food aren’t the type of calories that you can burn by exercising
What the ever-lovin’ fuck? Do these morons even know what a calorie is? Since when did we have the wrong sort of calorie? It’s a measure of energetic potential, to wit: the energy needed to raise the temperature of 1 gram of water by 1 °C. A calorie is a calorie, whether you get it from an industrially produced sugar cube or a dew-fresh organic raspberry plucked at dawn on the first Tuesday of the month as the sun rises over the east bank of the Swannee. Where’s my WTFometer? 3 points for that remarkable dollop of Stupid. Next!